Judge John Hodgman on Mullets for Babies

Matt writes: Because of the pandemic, my wife has been cutting our toddler’s hair. I volunteered to give Davi his next haircut and want to give him a mullet. My wife thinks mullets are ugly. But I think it would be unique and possibly trendsetting among a younger demographic.

I judge that last sentence a lie. Unless you’re proposing a sincere homage to the uniquely beautiful mullet of Lou Diamond Phillips in the 1980s, you know what you’re doing: You’re turning your child into a joke. I get it. It’s hard at first to appreciate that your children are human beings, not dress-up dolls for flashing your taste in bands, politics and ironic haircuts. You may offer Davi a variety of ’80s/’90s cuts and let him choose — but only if you get the same haircut yourself. Maybe you’ll both end up looking like Billy Ray Cyrus — your dream come true! But personally, I hope you get Mark McGrath’s frosted tips.

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