Judge John Hodgman on the King-Size Bed

Alan writes: My wife and I share a one-bedroom apartment in Vancouver. She has always wanted a king-size bed, but our bedroom is too narrow. I suggested we convert our large living room. She says that’s unnatural. But I’d like to treat my queen to a king.

A shared bed must allow both ultimate solitude (sleeping) and ultimate intimacy (hugging/ kissing), plus farting. So my law is: Always get as much bed as your space and means allow. But I have another law: Don’t sleep in the same room as refrigerators. (If you can help it, of course.) I enjoyed the many studios I’ve lived in. But I never really felt grown up until I could close a door between me and the clunk of the ice machine, the compressor humming its 3 a.m. reminder that I actually live in a kitchen like a bug. As much as I like a king-size bed, it makes a terrible dining table and a worse conversation pit. Keep it in the bedroom.

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